This is my first post in my first blog.
I have been forced to start a blog because my brain has gone all strange since I developed depression. I do things like I think about stuff, and I keep on thinking about the same stuff. On and on. One thought bubble can pop into my head. I grab it and hang on to it, for often rather extraordinary amounts of time. I know I do this. People I know tell me I do this. I’m embarrassed that I do this. But, wtf, I just defy everyone I know and even myself, and I just keep on doing it.
Most people get thought bubbles. But most people have the capacity to assess quite quickly if it’s a good bubble, or nonsense. If it’s nonsense, they lose the thought and move on with their rational lives.
I prefer a different approach. I give any thought bubble, good or nonsense, some kind of weird priority, like the bubble has inherent status as a thought, and to give it respect I have to think about it. Over and over. From every angle, before drilling down the the core of the bubble, and even when I suspect it may be nonsense, I persist in thinking about it, obviously hoping that there may be some tiny speck of merit in the thought. I keep thinking. The same thought.
I examine every thought bubble very closely. I am not one to just chuck out a thought bubble because in the first instance it seems to be nonsense. Not me. I have to be sure. Very sure. The worst thing that could happen to me is if I have a good or interesting thought bubble, and maybe because I have other things on my mind, I may accidentally chuck out the good or interesting thought bubble. Just chuck it out willy nilly. That would be a bad thing, because I may have lost the bubble forever. So this won’t happen.
I am not alone. There are lots of people with depression just like I have, and who obsess over strange odd thoughts, over and over. Psychologists describe it as rigid thinking, or tunnel thinking. We know they’re right but we still do it. We have Depression, so this type of thinking is in our Position Descriptions. It’s what we do, but will probably stop doing once our depression gets cured.
I’m getting treatment, so I may get cured, and relieved of the onerous responsibility to examine every tiny thought bubble I have, with intent focus, for hours or even days. Shit it takes a lot of my time. You have no idea.
But I’m looking forward in the foreseeable future to getting normal again. Then I may have time, to like, do normal stuff. In the meantime, this blog is because I had a thought bubble that writing things down is a good way to get things out of your head. The alternative is thinking about things until your head is spinning, and that hasn’t been working out that well for me, so now I will blog.